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Have you ever wished that someone you lead, mentor or manage could do something that you do without thinking about it? Maybe you want to help them sell, negotiate, or plan. Maybe you want them to have a conversation that builds connection and shares clear information. They want to know: how do you do it? Your first instinct is probably to send them for coaching or training. Or if you don’t have that luxury, you might try to teach them the way you remember learning. Neither of those will teach them how you do it now. You will go through the same steps, but you’ll miss the cues that change your tempo, tone, or framing. You won’t know what you are doing automatically while your mind focuses on strategy or content.

I’ve heard so many people make speeches based on the idea that science is somehow the highest form of knowledge and the people who practice it with big funding and large teams are also higher on some scale than the rest of us. And, like most dangerous attitudes, this mixes a little truth with a lot of bias and rhetoric. I think there is a better way of looking at science. I believe that good science extends our ability to know the world around us, and to know the processes within us. And I think that the reason for building that ability is not to raise some of us up and keep others down, but to build bridges between people and between people and the world they inhabit.

Have you ever said, “I’d like to think about that, but I’m not in the right space for it.” Or maybe, “I’ll do it when I’m in a better space.” Generally, “space” is short for “head space” and it really means something like “I just don’t feel like thinking about that now.” But saying they’re not in the right space is a way of saying that their situation is somehow responsible for what they’re feeling. The danger in this is that it is partly true.

What does self-aware mean at 60 and beyond? It means being able to experience your fullest, best self at the same time that you can step back and see that self moving through unchosen transitions. Where will you live? Who will matter most to you from one day to the next? What purpose will call to you? Who will you be as you become untethered from the identities that preoccupied you while you were building a family and career? Think of all the things you wanted to do and all the things you wanted to be “if only you had time.” Think about grandparenting (not necessarily of biological grandchildren) and the role that elders play in supporting the young (probably not with advice). Think about the self that connects all the different people you have been and will be.

If it doesn’t really matter to you, don’t sweat it. Don’t put it off for a better time. Put it aside. But if you think it might matter to you, find a way to do it now. Despite its endless pressures and distractions, now is the better time.

People want reframing to start with cleverness, a James-Bond-like ability to use a gadget or a quick move to change who is winning. But the beginning of reframing is framing: putting edges around a situation so that you can focus on the details inside the frame. Life is a movement between the moment, full of vivid details, and the future, which is hazy, moving, or shifting. Without movement we are stuck. Without the moment, we are lost in the haze.

Moving on before you have heard what someone wants to say is not efficient. It leads to misunderstandings and mistakes that have real, measurable costs. Plunging ahead with a message that is incomplete or comes from a different point of view is also not efficient. It ensures that the other person will fill in the blanks with their best guess (which will often not be what you had in mind).

If you want to win the rapport game, you need to know more than how to reflect what you observe in someone else. You need to know how to reflect, gain attention, and then move to a more useful state. That more useful state needs to use the energy present in a new way and in a new direction. People learn to box and roll with the punches. They learn aikido. They can also learn to counter their intuitions and connect in difficult situations without amplifying conflict. It’s easier with a skilled teacher and lots of practice.

What’s the difference between experiencing NLP in a workshop and what you can learn in a certification? A workshop is like tasty appetizers: you enjoy them but they’re not a real meal. The certification shows you all the pieces and it shows you how they fit together, from appetizers to dessert.